Don't read this. It's full of shit. From Amsterdam.

Hello friend

Warning!

I want to write something interesting. Because I want to be a writer. Just write something so interesting you can't stop reading. I want my text to hit like fucking Walter Whites' crystal meth. But fuck it. I got nothing to say. So stop reading please. Click your screen dark and go out to see your friends. Call to your mom. Tell you love her.

If you still continued, don't blame me. You've been warned. This is gonna be the most useless shit you ever read. There's no instructions or guidances to life and it's not even funny. I'm not funny. And this post is about me. Like everything in my life. Me, me, me, me. ME! Don't you see how amazing I am!?

You shouldn't read further

Thing is that I'm just running away from reality and all of my problems. All the days I spent like a fucking idiot. Dreaming of having great life with full of sex, intimate relationship, friendship, beautiful beaches, mountaintrekking, train journeys through some new country in a sleeping dorm with local people.

Oh, fuck. I've done all of my dreams come true but still no girlfriend or even random sex. I've been single for almost two years and I'm 27 years old guy what the fuck? You should fuck all the time! Reality hurts sometimes so bad I can physically feel the icy sword of emptiness sticking in to my chest.

I'm a good guy. Really.

How in a hell I'm gonna solve this problem?
I have also another problem. I think these two problems are connected some way. I believe I need to have a job. That's why I arrived to Amsterdam. Wanted to work. It should be easy to find a job in Amsterdam. That's what everybody told me.

Plane departed from India Bangalore 02 AM and after 10,5 hours flight it was in Amsterdam at 09 AM. Bad sleeps and 3,5 hours time difference FYI.

I took a train from airport to city center and it took 5€ and 20 minutes. Train arrived to center and I had no idea what do to.

"Hello!

Do you have any idea where the coffee shops are?"

Addict

That's what I asked from a guy I faced in front of the train station.

Yeah. Coffee shop is just what I needed in this situation. Not. I should've asked where could I find a job. Yeah, I asked that also but just after asking about coffee shop. There's huge difference.

I went to the coffee shop and asked for a joint. The bartender gave me fat joint and asked for six euros. What the fuck did I just do? Bought a joint with six euros? You should find a job man! You have only pennies in your pocket, you gonna starve to death soon, and you're having a joint!? That's not good idea. But maybe you still gonna make it. Or sleep outside. I don't care. But don't think you have to. I've lived 27 years on this planet and still had not slept outside a single night against my own will. Except in army.

Maybe I will sleep outside maybe not. Every day I do new things so why not. I don't care at all. And I don't even care that I don't care. You say that you're worried but fuck you. You're not. And I dont give a shit what you say.

It's not so bad. In India there were lot of people sleeping outside. That's life, my friend.

So it looks like I'm not in a very solid situation. For some reason I just all the time want to smoke weed. I know I shouldn't. I know it's not good for me. It's never been. Oh, that's a lie. It was a nice experience. And it's nice sometimes.

In Gokarna it went over. All the time high. But I got written some. That's a good thing if you want to be a writer.

I think I could do it as a writer or almost as anything if I just put some real effort. Do I? Maybe I'm scared that if I put my all into the effort and still fail. That might be miserable. But what the fuck? Being decent writer isn't too bad. You don't have to be the best in world. Why should you? You're not fucking Elon Musk or LeBron.

I shouldn't use this unique present of life just getting high. There's not any point. You don't find real joy by smoking weed. There's so much other things to do. I enjoy the life most of the time when I'm without smoking. That's the time all magic happens. But when you're high, usually nothing happens. Except writing from time to time. And usually it's shit. But no any serious conversations. Just watching TV, eating  and pointless laughing. Sometimes it feels like horror laugh. Sometimes with good friends it feels like life is good.

How amazing gift this life really is? We born to the place where no one knows nothing about anything and just try to survive. Of course they says they know what's it all about but no one really knows nothing. Look at people around you. How do they act to their loved ones? How they act to themselves? Does that cigarette really do good for you? Are you sure you have to eat that donut? You live most of your life the way you need a vacation from? Did you hear? You need a vacation from your own life. And you are ok? Love yourself? And your partner loves you, after all that?

How much you really love him/her?

Yeah, you can say whatever you want, but love isn't what you say. It's what you do.

Fine. I love myself also.

Looking for job in Amsterdam

I went to ask for a job from one bar. And that happened already before having first joint in coffee shop.

And after that. And after that. And after that. During the day I asked for a job from ten.. oh, let's say seven places.

And had total three joints during the day. Junkie. No. A human.

Every place I went they said that I have to know Dutch language to get a job. But it's bullshit. I could easily work in many places with only English and Finnish. The problem was I couldn't sell the idea to possible employers.

At some point there happened situation in a trekking and outwear clothing store. I was interested in that because I personally travel all the time and know something about what kind of equipment you need, when and where. So I walked in the store and tried to find staff to talk.

In real I don't know so much. But I could learn quickly.

After two minutes standing alone in the middle of the floor looking around someone asked me what am I looking for.

I said I'm looking for a job.

"You need to speak Dutch. But you can always leave your CV, or talk to the manager. He should have time for you soon", the guy said and pointed the other guy who was serving customer. The manager was younger, maybe something around my age.

Then there came a lady who took my backpacks to kitchen back of the store. She said I could walk around and take a look the place while the manager services the customer.

I did what she told and walked few times around the store watching what was happening. And I discovered some interesting functions.

Everything seemed to be clean and all products were in good order. One guy walked all the time around the store arranging the products better. There were that lady and other guy who told he was doing training there.

But what was interesting, was the moment when customer walks in to the store. Do you remember what happened when I walked to the store? If I remember right I told you about me standing in the middle of the floor for two minutes alone without human contact.

And that happened all the time. Customer walks in store and no one says nothing. One guy arranging clothes, woman looking at walls and trainee talking to me. Customers just walk around the store alone and no one gives any attention.

After maybe 15 minutes the manager got free and I straightened my arm for handshake. I asked if he had five minutes for private talk with me. That was ok for him and we went to the kitchen and closed the door.

"Hey, I'm Panu from Finland and I'd like to work for you.", I said.

"Yes. You came in good moment. We have had open position for three days and we have zero applicants yet. Have you worked in a store before?"

"Yes, yes I have. My mother has a clothing store and I've worked for her. I've also been an entrepreneur and done lot of sales and marketing works."

Ive done some. To say I'm done a lot.. That's kind of a lie. Yeah, I've sold all kind of bullshit stories for myself and others. How much I've got sales? No one knows.

"But you don't speak Dutch?", he asked.

"No I don't.", I said and smiled.

"I'm sorry but you have to speak Dutch. If someone asks something and speaks only Dutch you have to be able to speak to them"

"It's not a problem. For now there's no one talking anything to customers. I can easily do sales with English more than someone who doesn't speak any language.", I said.

He blushed.

"You're right. You can send me an email and I have to wait fot other applicants and after two weeks I maybe contact you"

"I could start tomorrow and immediately start doing sales."

"The case is I don't need sales right now... I have to think at least two weeks...", manager said

"Ok, I'll sent you an email my CV and you can get me back after that ok?", I said.

And I left.

Fucking idiot, I thought. Don't need sales? What kind of store is that? Are they doing charity? Some rich lazy inheritor just decided to run a trekking equiment shop? Fuck you man.

Or maybe the reason was me. Maybe I could've been more political. I shouldn't immediately say to his face that "You and your staff suck!"

Maybe my outfit wasn't either the best one for this situation. I had just arrived from India and had those loose orange traveller trousers, intense blue shirt, two big backpacks and I guess I smelled like shit.

That's not how you get job. That's not how you get sex.

Anyways it went bad. You know what?

I Don't care at all.

Sometimes I wonder: Do I want to be a writer or a guy who wants to be writer?

Actually I'm writing all the time so I'm happy just right now. Thinking about how could I commit you to read more and more. To like these texts so much you'd pay for getting these in to your hands in the middle of the night. You couldn't eat or sleep without reading me.

How fucking stupid that sounds? How fucking idiot I am? Yeah, I told you it's gonna be heavy shit.

But that what I said about me trying to make you addicted to my texts wasn't completely true. I really believe there might appear some hidden value between my lines that I don't see by myself. Maybe you don't see them but someone might.

Panu, better than marijuana. Fuck it. Marijuana rules.

That's not true. I really don't know which one hurts you more. I think you can make your own choices.

I know I'm gonna stop smoking. And Amsterdam might be the best place to do it. For someone who always want to be different.

"So Panu, why don't you smoke?"

"I'm writing this fucking shit for some crazy people. Theres fucking thousand readers and they've told they likes it."

Went to hostel and fell asleep around 18 o'clock.

Cu next time, friend!